New York Times Issues New Guidelines For Staying Locked Down Forever [Satire]

The following is satirical.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has issued new guidelines for dealing with Coronavirus. The Times says the purpose of the guidelines is “to reframe America’s attitude by mingling abject terror with the promise that absolute subservience will create an illusion of safety until you still get sick and die but at least you’ll die poor and enslaved, which will make it much easier to kiss this crappy life goodbye.”

According to the Times guidelines, the virus is very dangerous if you are a person over 65 or who will one day be over 65 or who once saw someone who is 65 or who loves his grandma because she used to bake those great chocolate chip cookies and yet will cause her to die a lingering death if you should think bad thoughts about the government or call her on the phone.

Symptoms of the coronavirus include coughing up your lungs while lying curled up on the kitchen floor groaning in agony, or a runny nose, or sneezing or thinking too much about sneezing or having once sneezed or disobeying lockdown orders or thinking about disobeying lockdown orders or shutting your windows so that the police drone can’t watch you go to the bathroom when you are thinking about disobeying lockdown orders or sneezing preparatory to coughing up your lungs in agony and then killing your grandmother.

The Times says cities and states should be able to begin opening up their economies after people stop getting sick of the virus or dying of the virus or getting sick of other causes or dying in any way shape or form or taking risks or having hopes or believing they can be free without killing their grandmothers or otherwise damaging themselves or others. At that point, citizens will be allowed to curl up in a ball and suck their thumbs or take a walk around the living room.

The Times says these guidelines will be relaxed once a cure is found or Donald Trump leaves office.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: DNC Declares Their Deeply Held Convictions ‘Inoperative’