The following is satirical.
The Democratic National Committee has issued corrections to previous left-wing convictions that have now become “inoperative.”
In a pamphlet which was immediately adopted as the formal stylebook of The New York Times, a former newspaper, the DNC said it “wished to clarify our previous statements of deeply held belief in order to eliminate any misapprehension that we were telling the truth when we made them, which might hamper our descent into unconscionable hypocrisy.”
First among the statements was “Believe All Women.”
The DNC pamphlet says, “Obviously, we were just kidding. Can’t anyone take a joke anymore? After all, women make up approximately 50 percent of the world’s liars, making it impossible to know whether they are telling the truth or not without careful investigation by the FBI in the case of Republicans, and the DNC in the case of Democrats. Only after it is determined whether the accused is a Republican or a Democrat can we know whether the woman should be, in the first place, believed or, in the second, ignored, then rejected, then quietly destroyed.”
A second statement that is now inoperative is “Dissent is patriotic.”
The pamphlet says: “This is a simple typo, and we actually meant ‘Descent is patriotic,’ meaning any protest that descends from Marxist radicalism and is intended to destroy the country to which patriots feel patriotic is patriotic whereas patriotic dissent calling for freedom and economic reopening is unpatriotic because it is spelled completely differently.”
This brings the pamphlet to the third statement, “Flatten the curve.”
That line, the pamphlet says, “was clearly intended as straightforward advice to sinkerball pitchers in baseball and should not imply any promise that we would reopen the economy after protecting our hospitals, as that might result in the re-election of Donald Trump whereupon ‘Believe All Women’ and ‘Dissent is Patriotic’ would instantly become operative again, and the printing costs of this pamphlet would be a total loss.”
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Hillary Clinton Says Opportunistic Alleged Woman Abuser Biden Is Just The Kind Of Guy She Goes For