New Book Claims Biden’s Word Salads Are Really Coded Cries For Help [Satire]

A team of investigative reporters is claiming that presumptive former President Joe Biden is not, in fact, a dithering old fool descending rapidly from mere stupidity into witless senility while uttering completely incomprehensible word salads to a media determined to cover up his degeneration into a quivering puddle of barely sentient flesh, but has in fact been sending coded messages to the public that merely sound like the incomprehensible word salads of a dithering old fool descending rapidly into witless senility, and so on.

The team of reporters, which includes the guard who was supposed to be outside Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell, the guy who runs Comet Pizza, and Dan Rather, make the claim in their new book, “Help, I’m Locked in the Basement.”

They say when Biden recites the Pledge of Allegiance as “I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, one nation, under God, for real,” if you subtract those letters from the actual pledge, record what’s left and play it backwards, you hear, “Help. I’m being held hostage by the Democrat party and forced to run for president.”

Likewise, if you take Biden’s version of the Declaration, “We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created by — you know, you know, the thing,” superimpose them on the actual Declaration then set them on fire, the ashes spell out the words, “I’m scared. I don’t know where I am. And I need someone to take me home.”

Finally, if you add up all the times Biden has bullied a voter by calling him names and add them to the number of times he’s lied about what Trump said at Charlottesville, subtract that from the number of years Biden’s been in government without accomplishing anything worthwhile, and tap out the result in morse code, you get the message: “Watch out! It’s a trap! The Commies are using me as a decoy!”

The Biden campaign says the theory is absurd and all his future statements will be issued in writing, after being vetted by staff.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Nominate Amy Coney Barrett: Because It’s Time We Had A Babe On The Supreme Court