The decade's most triggering comedy
Executives at Disney are deeply puzzled over why yet another of their big budget franchise films has flopped at the box office. No one has yet been able to discover the reason for last weekend’s utter failure of “Girl-Boss Marvels Two: This Time, We’re in Your Face, Penis Man,” starring much-in-demand actress Shrilly Crowcall and some black girl and a Hispanic girl, no one really cares which, least of all the people who hired them.
Made at a cost of over $200 million, the movie had an opening weekend reminiscent of a bad day in Nagasaki, earning approximately seventeen dollars and 35 cents, but only after studio heads collected and redeemed the soda cans that had been thrown at the screen by people on their way to see something more entertaining like bread mold or that crazy guy outside the theater who is catatonic for half an hour at a time and then suddenly starts shrieking incomprehensible nonsense and then drops his pants and plants crap in front of everyone, so is kind of like a Disney film except you can watch it for free. Until Disney execs can figure out what is going wrong, they’ve decided to suspend the release of other big budget Marvel pictures starring promising new superheroes like Captain Groomer and Ironpants.
Even a live action remake of a beloved cartoon classic — “Snow Brown and The Seven Ambiguously Handicapped and Excluded Persons of Color” — originally scheduled for Christmas Release, was sent back into production after the star, Rachel Harridan, gave a promotional interview that was not as well received as the studio had hoped. Miss Harridan told reporters, “This is not going to be a film for people who like snow whiteness or think singing dwarves are somehow charming or who want to see some creep sneak up and kiss a sleeping girl without first getting her consent. If that’s your idea of fun, we are going to shove this remake down your throat until you choke on it, and if you’re not willing to pay twenty dollars a ticket for that experience we will publicly call you out for your bigotry.” Studio PR executives are still wondering whether perhaps they should have tweaked that message to reach a wider audience.
In an interview with Show Biz Trade Paper Variety, the formerly male Disney Studio Head now identifying as Melissa WingWang — whose pronouns are Zee, Zur, Splorg and Would you like to see my puppy little boy — told reporters, “We simply can’t understand why these movies aren’t working. We’ve done everything we can to take the beloved Christian and patriotic Disney brand and turn it into a tool for queering your children into a life of sexual deviance and moral degradation, and yet for some reason the audiences still don’t respond. Hopefully, our Thanksgiving Release of a live action Sleeping Beauty done entirely in drag will turn things around.”
Disney is not alone in facing baffling rejections from customers. Anheuser Busch is still puzzling out why their Bud Light Brand has taken a nosedive at the market and are hoping to make a comeback with a new slogan, “Bud, the uncloseted queen of beers.” Gillette is also rejiggering ITS slogan with new ads declaring, “Gillette, the sleekest, shapeliest legs a man can get.”
Gillette Spokes-something-or-other Willie Wontee — whose pronouns are a high pitched whine and something that sounds like a raspberry but smells bad — announced the change at a company Zoom meeting, saying, “Our strategy is to take a product that might appeal to fifty percent of the public and target it instead to a minuscule but voluble group of sexually anomalous cranks who won’t buy it under any circumstances. We don’t see what can go wrong.”
Although the reasons for the setbacks at these companies remain a mystery for now, one observer, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Daily Wire “The fact is, these companies are doing exactly what they should be doing and if they stick with it, it’s sure to result in billions of dollars in profits. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. After all, I am the god-king.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “When Christmas Comes” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available! Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.