The following is satirical.
I know many of you have been watching the Impeachment Trial until you just want to drive a screwdriver through your eye and into your brain so that you not only can’t see the trial but have rooted out every idea that the trial ever existed and so have become like a normal American voter.
So since you’ve been occupied with all that, I thought you might like to catch up on some of the other stupid news that’s also being ignored around the country.
For instance, Mr. Peanut died. Now some of you may be wondering, “Who the hell is Mr. Peanut?” but others among you may be clutching your heart and gasping for breath because you’re 97 years old and have some vague memory that Mr. Peanut was some sort of mascot for a peanut company back in the days when you had teeth.
Apparently, in a desperate bid for attention, the peanut company plans to kill their beloved mascot in a Super Bowl Commercial which features Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh, although not the Matt Walsh but some other guy also named Matt Walsh.
In the commercial, Snipes, the other Walsh and Mr. Peanut are dangling from a tree branch for some reason and with the sacrificial selflessness we’ve come to expect from our peanuts, Mr. Peanut lets go of the branch to save the others, whereupon he dies in a fiery explosion.
Many viewers were shell-shocked to see the peanut roasted, but others felt it was only right since Mr. Peanut was over a hundred years old and wore a top hat and monocle, which is just creepy in a legume.
In other mascot news, Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Team mascot, Gritty, a furry orange creature of no known species, is under investigation for assaulting a 13-year-old boy. Questioned about the incident by a reporter, Gritty said, “Hey, this is hockey,” and slammed the journalist into a wall.
But that’s enough about ridiculous make-believe people. Unless you want to go back to watching the Impeachment Trial.
Related: Senators Getting ‘Bored’ With Impeachment, Walking Around, Grabbing Snacks, Bending Rules