Man Who Used To Be Joe Biden Says He’ll Appoint Commission To Get Out Of Admitting He’ll Pack Supreme Court [Satire]

Joe Biden, 2020 Democratic presidential nominee, puts on a protective mask during the U.S. presidential debate at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee, U.S., on Thursday, Oct. 22, 2020. Trump and Biden traded charges of secretly taking money from foreign interests, after the former vice president addressed head-on Trump’s efforts to portray him as corrupt. Photographer: Kevin Dietsch/UPI/Bloomberg
Kevin Dietsch/UPI/Bloomberg via Getty Images

The man who used to be Joe Biden is saying he will appoint a commission to study the Supreme Court before he does whatever he has to do to stop everyone from bothering him all the time.

In an interview with a lampstand he took to be his late Aunt Betsy, Biden said the situation with the court is very dire.

Biden said, “All these years, we’ve been following this Constitution thing in appointing Supreme Court justices and now there are more justices the Republicans like than there are justices that Democrats like and that’s a great threat to our Constitution, which is what we’ve been following, which is actually kind of confusing when you come to think about it, but not as confusing as the way sometimes a car goes by on the street outside and you see a sort of light pass over the basement walls but it’s too early for their headlights to be on and so where’s the light coming from, or is it a dream or maybe a memory of the old days because it gets harder and harder to tell those two apart.

“Anyway, this is one of those emergencies we’re always talking about where people are supposed to get all upset so we can do whatever we need to do to hold onto power, although maybe that’s another one of those things I’m not supposed to say out loud like about Barack Obama being the first clean African American, even though he really was incredibly clean for a guy who came all the way from Kenya.

“Anyway, I know I said I would announce whether I was planning to pack the court if I won whatever I’m running for this time, but after careful consideration, I feel that talking about some cockamamie commission is a good way to get out of doing that.

“And in conclusion, I’d just like to say I resign the office of president of the United States, unless we haven’t gotten to that part yet.”

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Debate Commission to Equip Moderator with Mute Button, Taser and Fire Hose

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