Debate Commission to Equip Moderator with Mute Button, Taser and Fire Hose [Satire]

A British police officer holsters a taser gun during a training session at the Metropolitan Police Specialist Training Centre, in Gravesend, Kent, in south-east England, 05 December 2007. Taser guns are to be issued to London's Metropolitan Police from Monday 10 December 2007. AFP PHOTO/CARL DE SOUZA/FILES
Carl de Souza/AFP via Getty Images

The Presidential Debate Commission has delivered new rules to ensure that a presidential debate doesn’t break out at the final presidential debate.

The Commission was formed in 1207 by a merry band of outlaws in Hamsterly Forest England, after the evil King John declared that anyone who wanted to argue about politics would be banished to America after it was discovered nearly 300 years later.

The Commission now consists of seven members who, according to the charter, must include two gay interior designers, a three-member Klezmer band, a Sicilian assassin and a fat woman named Pearl.

Their absolute authority to set the rules of the debate has been handed down from father to son ever since Democrats decided they could probably get away with that now that all the honest reporters had died in the Great Journalist Purge of the year Obama.

According to the new rules of the debate, candidates will not be permitted to use any word that rhymes with punter or ridin’ or refer to any form of written communication invented after 1972 or mention the fact that Joe Biden is a corrupt lowlife who’s been on the take since the 1970s.

The moderator will be a completely unbiased, non-partisan Democrat who will be equipped with a mute button that will shut down the microphone of any orange-haired candidate who refuses to stop talking while he’s making a good point.

After muting his mike, the moderator will apply an electric shock until the orange-haired candidate either releases the screaming woman he is currently clutching in his large hairy fist or admits that Joe Biden really is as great a guy as the Chinese Communist Party says he is.

The moderator will further be equipped with a fire hose to be used on any candidate named Donald from either party if he should refuse to stop talking about the mllions of dollars any other candidate took to do favors for foreign dictators.

The Commission says these rules will ensure fairness, and may the best Joe win.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Joe Biden Has Horrifying Nightmare In Which Reporters Ask Him Hard Questions

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