Opinion

Leftists Pledge To Propose New Police Reforms Until Country Is Laid Waste [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
A woman holds a shirt that says "violent cops are terrorists" as Seattle Police arrested several people after demonstrators blocked an intersection outside the recently-cleared Capitol Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP) in Seattle, Washington on July 1, 2020. (Photo by Jason Redmond / AFP) (Photo by JASON REDMOND/AFP via Getty Images)
Jason Redmond/AFP via Getty Images

The following is satirical. 

Leftists pledge they’ll continue to propose ways to reform policing until it’s absolutely impossible to go outside without getting your head blown off.

Leftists say the police are hindering the activities of useful community organizations like the Crips and the Bloods, who give young men something to occupy their time with, like drive-by shootings and other drive-by shootings.

To come up with some fresh ideas for police reform, the left has assembled a brain trust, including Congresswoman Alexandria Occasional Cortex and some lesser intellects, like the eraser on the end of a pencil, an old sneaker and a fly that’s been banging against the same window for the last 45 minutes because it can’t figure out there’s no way through it.

This collection of the Left’s top thinkers has issued a list of reforms, including:

1) From now on, when citizens dial 9-1-1, they will get a phone tree. They can press one to submit to the mob, press two to be put on hold for twenty minutes, press three and die, or press 9-1-1 and go back to the beginning.

2) When police are called to the scene of a shooting, a social worker will be dispatched instead and will hand the victim an informational pamphlet entitled, “So It Seems You’ve Been Murdered.”

The pamphlet will provide helpful hints on how to position your body within the chalk lines, how to call out pitiably for your mother while your life’s blood spills onto the pavement, and how to avoid being crushed by reporters who are stepping over you to cover some less important story they might be able to parlay into a race riot.

3) If criminals should invade your home, and you manage to defend yourself with a personal firearm, the police will surround your house and use a megaphone to order you to come out with your hands up whereupon you will be riddled with bullets.

The Committee says they will continue to come up with ideas for reform until the country is entirely laid waste.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Medical Experts Now Believe Joe Biden’s Election Will Completely Cure Coronavirus

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