The following is satirical.
A new poll shows most Americans want Congress to stop investigating the president and return to their usual business of taking bribes and lying.
President Trump also hinted he was frustrated with the investigations when he met with Democrats yesterday ostensibly to discuss infrastructure and instead leapt screaming on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi so that the two rolled around on the floor punching one another in the face while articles of clothing flew up in the air, and words like “Pow!” and “Wham!” appeared in the background.
In the aftermath, Democrats announced plans to destroy half the universe using the stones in the Infinity Gauntlet while President Trump threatened to fly his dragon over Chicago and burn it to the ground. When they were informed they were operating in a complete fantasy world while the country’s real problems went unaddressed, both sides claimed that was their actual job description according to the Constitution though they did admit it was the Constitution of the garbage planet Sakaar.
Among the questions House committees are currently investigating are: How much patience do the American people have with meaningless shenanigans? If Russian prostitutes did not urinate on the president, why not? And is it obstruction of justice when the president’s motorcade drives by the Capitol building and Trump sticks his bare backside out the window as he goes by? So far, these investigations have cost the American people 640 billion dollars, and have turned up little evidence of wrongdoing, although they did find a dollar and 73 cents in small change that had fallen out of Adam Schiff’s pockets while he was napping on the couch in his office.
Trump says he has had enough of these absurd investigations and believes the matter should be settled by a massive fistfight in the sky above New York. Pelosi says that’s childish and ridiculous and she prefers the sky above San Francisco.