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KLAVAN: PETA Battles Racist Milk-Drinkers [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan

The following is satirical.

PETA — which stands for People who are absolutely out of their Everloving minds and really need to get some form of Therapy and then a useful job, All right? — has now declared that milk is the perfect drink for White Supremacists. Yes, the same organization that fought the noble fight to get the pictures of animals on the boxes of animal crackers freed from the pictures of circus cages has now turned its attention to the evil practice of drinking the milk of cows instead of letting the cows sell their own milk so they can afford to buy masks and dress up as human beings and escape into the wild. Or something like that. I actually have no idea what these people want. They’re obviously nuts.

But here is a real not-made-up quote from an article on PETA’s website entitled “Why Cow’s Milk is the Perfect Drink for Supremacists.”

“As when Christoph Waltz’s character in Inglorious Basterds drinks a glass of milk and a character in a pivotal scene of Get Out sips the cow secretion, dairy milk has long been embraced as a symbol of white supremacy.”

We at The Daily Wire called PETA to ask what that blitheringly ungrammatical sentence could possibly mean and whether they realized they had just cited two recent fictional stories as evidence of something that doesn’t exist and whether they understood they were as looney as drugged baboons. PETA spokeswoman Napoleon Bonaparte — well, she said she was Napoleon Bonaparte — responded, “The blithering ungrammatical nature of the sentence is our way of symbolizing that we are bat-crap crazy, now excuse me while I conquer Europe.” She then put on her Napoleon hat and rode away on a broomstick, which she pretended was a horse.

The PETA article goes on to claim that milk cows are kept alive under terrible circumstances that prevent them from serving mankind as tasty hamburgers. At least I think that’s what the article said. I didn’t really understand it. Who could?

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