KLAVAN: Our Halloween Costume Winners! [Satire]

The following is satirical.

It’s Halloween and with The Daily Wire’s famous Halloween party in full swing, it’s time for us to announce our winners for the best costumes of the year.

The prize for the scariest costume goes to the child dressed up as Jim Acosta. Or maybe it is Jim Acosta. How would we know the difference? But anyway, the Jim Acosta costume includes a mask with a face in a permanent expression of sanctimonious self-seriousness topped with hair that magically goes from salt-and-pepper to pitch black after just a little dab of narcissism. Jim is having fun terrifying the neighbors by stomping zombie-like through public gatherings chanting in the guttural voice of the living dead, “Look at me. I’m Jim Acosta. Look at me,” until everyone laughs, then gets bored with him and goes home.

The ribbon for the funniest costume goes to the two pranksters who dressed up as a centaur with the head of CNN’s Don Lemon, with one person dressed as the horse’s ass, and the other as the centaur’s tail. As a fun Halloween game, we surrounded the Lemon centaur with conservatives and watched him prance around shouting, “Everyone who disagrees with me is racist!” until somebody finally canceled the cable service and the Lemon centaur vanished into complete obscurity, leaving everyone to wonder if he had ever really existed in the first place and, if so, why?

The plastic trophy for most ridiculous costume goes to the lady who dressed up as Hillary Clinton for President in 2020. Wearing a dyed blonde wig and holding a half-empty bottle of Chardonnay, Hillary spent most of the party stumbling around giving each and every guest a different excuse for why she lost the last election. She then explained her motivation for taking yet another shot at the White House by saying, “I sacrificed every scrap of dignity I had to get this gig, that’s why.” After which, she did a face-plant into the rum punch, where she remained for the rest of the evening.

Happy Halloween from The Daily Wire.