KLAVAN: New York Times Investigates The Hell Out Of Stuff [Satire]


The following is satirical.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has released a scathing 532-thousand word investigative report of crack investigations by crack investigators investigating crackly. The report reveals for the first time ever that President Donald Trump has repeatedly complained about being investigated by FBI agents who hated him so much they were willing to violate every code of ethics to overturn an election by creating a false narrative about some Russian mishigas that never happened.

The Times — and so help me I am not making this up — illustrated this 947-thousand word crack investigative article by crack investigators with a full page of charts showing exactly how many times the president complained about being the target of a completely bogus investigation into a completely imaginary incident. The page also includes calendars showing every day on which Trump unleashed his unreasonable rants against this coup attempt by googly-eyed power-mad lunatics. Now at last we know that the president was complaining when he complained openly for everyone to see.

Times White House Reporter and Secret Clinton Hack Maggie Haberman said in an in-depth interview with herself, “What sort of monstrous authoritarian would attack the hard work of fine upstanding rogue Deep State fascists spending millions of dollars of the public’s money on a complete waste of time? It’s the job of myself and The New York Times to insure our wonderful overweening and out-of-control federal law agencies can continue to run roughshod over our rights with impunity. That is the true meaning of journalism.”

The 7-million, 66-hundred-thousand and fourteen word investigative investigation is entitled “Intimidation, Pressure and Humiliation: Inside Trump’s Two-Year War on the Investigations Encircling Him,” because that sounded better than “Distraction, Blithering and Misinformation: Inside the New York Times’ Attempt to Explain why They Haven’t Been Covering the Obama Justice Department’s Blatantly Unconstitutional Malfeasance.”

If you missed this crack investigative report of investigatory crackedness, it is still available to read at the bottom of a birdcage in my living room, assuming you can make out the words underneath the canary crap.