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KLAVAN: A New Feminist Bible. Yay. [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan

The following is satirical.

Feminist theologians are preparing to issue a rewritten version of the Bible. So hooray. The book will be called “The Women’s Bible” to help distinguish it from the real Bible, and according to the authors, it will emphasize feminist values, which will also help distinguish it from the real Bible.

Feminists have long been angry at both the Old and New Testaments for raising up female characters with typical girly traits like virtue, courage, intelligence and holiness, and will now be able to turn to this new book to find women with feminist traits like endlessly complaining about nothing and speaking with screechy voices that are absolutely intolerable.

For example — and I promise this is a real example — the feminists are angry about the scene in the Gospel of Luke where Jesus visits the sisters Martha and Mary and Martha is busy preparing to serve supper. The feminist authors have reinterpreted the Greek so that it now says Martha was not serving but was a deacon of the church and the Son of God can just get his own damn supper before being crucified for the sins of all humankind.

The feminists who wrote this book are both Catholic and Protestant but have reached out from those two branches of faith into a middle darkness of heresy and moral depravity to produce an ecumenical volume that can engage the entire Christian communion in error and sin.

Now, instead of reading about Ruth, whose devotion to God and family became a byword, and Judith, who single-handedly killed the villainous general Holofernes, and Esther who rescued her entire people from annihilation, and the Virgin Mary who surrendered her very body to the salvational work of God, we’ll be introduced to new characters like Sheila, who is just really ticked off right now, and Tiffany, who can’t even.

As one of the book’s authors put it — and this is a real quote: “We are fighting against a literal reading of the texts.”

Well, congratulations, sweetheart. So are we all.

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