KLAVAN: Negotiations Continue: Run For Your Life [Satire]


The following is satirical.

We began this week with President Trump and the Democrats in intense negotiations over border security. Trump was offering to compromise on DACA and wall spending, while the Democrats countered with an offer to slaughter his grandchildren, set the Oval Office on fire and dig a hole on the White House lawn in the hope the president would fall into it and break his leg. The Democrats say the president’s intransigent refusal even to consider their response is why many government workers will remain idle and unpaid instead of being idle while receiving massive amounts of our tax dollars as usual.

But now the negotiations are getting ugly. Yesterday, the president actually walked out of a meeting with Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, and the two sides had different versions of what caused the talks to break down.

According to Pelosi, she was in the midst of offering to personally stand at the border and hand out blankets and food to starving children, when Trump seized her by the hair, smashed her face into the table and shot her twice in the kneecap with a Glock nine. According to Trump, he offered to allow the entire city of Tijuana to come into the country long enough to mow the lawn on Pelosi’s immense Napa Valley Estate, whereupon the House Speaker sprung huge leather bat wings and flew around the Situation Room screaming, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!”

Schumer says he was sobbing too hard to see clearly what happened, but he could have sworn he heard the president threatening to melt the Statue of Liberty and pour the molten iron down from the top of his wall onto the heads of sad-faced Honduran children, if he could find any sad-faced Honduran children outside of news stories on CNN.

The two sides say they are moving closer to a resolution, but it’s sort of like the resolution to that Star Wars movie where the planet blows up and everyone dies.

More to come.

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