KLAVAN: James Comey, Sanctimonious Crapweasel [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Former FBI Director James Comey was on Capitol Hill yesterday where he testified behind closed doors that he was unaware of any poor behavior at the FBI, that he did not know why he and everyone under his command at the FBI had been either fired or demoted, that he only found out he had been FBI Director when he read about it in the newspaper like everybody else, and that he was not James Comey or if he was, it came as a surprise to him.

Comey, who, since leaving the Bureau, has been working full-time as a sanctimonious crapweasel, later emerged from the testimony to tell reporters, “Those screws will never lay a finger on me, see, because the cop hasn’t been born who can out-noodle Big Jim Comey and anyone who says different better not walk down any dark alleys or he might find himself sinking to the bottom of the East River in a pair of cement overshoes.” Comey then went on to say he was there to speak out for the rule of law.

When asked if he was at all responsible for the decline in the FBI’s reputation among Americans with a conscience, and whether that decline was perhaps related to his treating Hillary Clinton with kid gloves while going after Donald Trump with the flimsiest excuse and the ugliest tactics, Comey responded, “That’s ridiculous. How can I be responsible for the downfall of the FBI when I am like unto a god … except, you know, all corrupt and stuff.”

Comey then struck one of his patented self-righteous poses — the same one featured on the T-shirts of himself he was selling at a nearby stand — and declared that every Republican of decency and integrity must allow his reputation and fortune to be utterly destroyed in order to insure that Democrats are elected in the next election. When asked why Republicans should do that, Comey replied, “Because otherwise, I’ll end up in jail where I belong.”