KLAVAN: How To DESTROY!!! Your Relatives For Christmas! [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Christmas is almost here, and that means you’ll be sitting down with your relatives in the spirit of bright good will in order to share a holiday meal and crush their political positions with your searing insights, your cutting wit, and your knowledge of the porn searches they tried to erase but which you uncovered and are more than willing to reveal to the entire family in the middle of dessert.

And isn’t that what Christmas is all about? For it is written in the Gospel according to YouTube, “The Lord sat down to dine with sinners and absolutely DESTROYED them!!!!” And that went totally viral, so I’m sure your family dinner can do the same.

Here, then, are some tips on how to deal with your leftist relatives over Christmas dinner.

I think you can be pretty sure your sister will bring up that ridiculous old idea that Christians should be loving and caring toward those in need and that therefore there should be no borders but anyone should be able to come into this country, take jobs away from the American poor, and rape and kill innocents as Jesus intended.

You can, of course, easily counter this argument by saying that Jesus did not expect America to destroy itself, or if he did, it was probably some sort of Jewish plot he got involved in by mistake when he was younger, and a believing Christian could show charity to refugees by going down to the border and doling out food, which you have absolutely no intention of doing.

Then there’s your Uncle Bob, who loves to make snide remarks about how Evangelicals supported President Trump even though he committed adultery with Playboy Bunnies. But of course, you can smash him by pointing out that Playboy Bunnies weren’t even invented when Jesus was around, and not only that, Jesus wasn’t married so if there were Bunnies, it wouldn’t have been adultery.

I hope these helpful hints will ease your Christmas dining and will, in the true spirit of the season, help you destroy all your relationships with those closest to you.

Merry Christmas!