KLAVAN: How To Be A Good Male Feminist

The following is satirical.

Some of you men out there are probably asking yourself: “How can I be a good male feminist?” Some of you men are probably asking yourself: “How can I find a woman who will stick a lit cigarette into my private parts while whipping me with barbed wire?” There’s no accounting for people’s tastes.

But for those of you men who want to be better feminists — for some reason — here are a couple of handy tips.

If you want to be a good male feminist, remember: always listen to women when they’re blaming you for something. This will save you from ever having to do anything else but listen to women blaming you for something.

If you want to be a good male feminist, never accuse women of being irrational and hysterical but instead just stand quietly while they scream nonsense at you, and then do whatever they tell you.

If you want to be a good male feminist, never tell a woman she shouldn’t get drunk with a bunch of men at a college party. That’s simply blaming the victim for what’s going to occur while she’s blacked out.

If you want to be a good male feminist, always encourage a woman to lean in to her professional ambitions until you make absolutely sure she’s miserable and has wasted her best years doing something she secretly doesn’t care about and hates you for it.

If you want to be a good male feminist, you should be sure to ask a woman for consent to every step of every sexual act until your insistent questioning just drives her completely out of her mind and she’s practically begging you to just get on with it so that thirty years later she can accuse you of attacking her and ruin your life.

So in conclusion, if you want to be a good male feminist, you’re an idiot.