The following is satirical.
Well, I’m sure you were all excited by the Academy Awards and neither was I. “Who—oh, who—” you weren’t asking yourself, “is going to win this coveted piece of dross? Will it be Black Klansman, or Black Panther, or Black Piano Player or Gay Singer or Lesbian Queen or Evil Republican or Latina Maid or maybe even the White People in Love? And I wonder how they chose those movies out of all the movies that were made last year?”
And how could you not lay aside the hum-drum chores of your boring, ordinary life in order to tune in and watch all those beautiful rhinestone-souled moral non-entities take time off from cheating on their spouses and abusing their personal assistants in order to come on stage in an orgy of self-congratulation and trash your values and insult your political choices?
What, after all, could be more fun than being scolded for bitterly clinging to your patriotism and religion when instead you could be as glamorous and beautiful as some coked-up fraud who can’t understand why all the money and fame in the world has left her even more empty and miserable than she was when she slept with that toad of a producer to get her very first starring role?
And wasn’t it inspiring to see such idols of the silver screen as what’s-his-name and somebody sporting colored ribbons representing their commitment to never again allowing MAGA hat wearing bigots like you just stand by and let powerful moguls rape starlets while every one in Hollywood knew about it, or powerful directors like Roman Polanski rape little girls and then win Oscars anyway, or other powerful directors rape underage boys and then get nominated for Oscars. What kind of Trump-supporting louts were you to let that happen?
And in the end wasn’t it great to see the award go to whatever movie it went to while I was playing Diablo III and not paying any attention. Because this was Hollywood’s biggest night, and so they can stick it where the sun don’t shine.