KLAVAN: Hartless Oscar Show Considers The Alternates [Satire]

The following is satirical.

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has been wracking its brains about how to air the Oscars now that they’ve forced comedian Kevin Hart to resign as host because of something that outraged somebody somewhere over something, I can’t remember what.

According to a statement issued by Academy President Surly Whiteman to the two junior high school students he was having sex with, “We’ve managed to damage a black man’s career, so that’s proved how virtuously politically correct we are, but now we need to hire another comedian who can make jokes without offending anyone except the sort of clueless, brainless middle Americans who made this country great so we could live off the fat of the land by making movies no one wants to see and then giving each other awards for them.”

Trying to find a more inoffensive host than Hart, the Academy has so far auditioned a white noise machine and a wind-up bunny rabbit, but has recently begun to consider putting on the show without any host at all.

In a statement issued through his Ecstasy supplier, Whiteman said, “Not only will we have no host, but we’re considering doing the entire show without any audience as well. That way, it would look more like the movies we’d be honoring, and would make a statement about the fact that modern audiences simply are not woke enough to understand such small but beautiful films as ‘Snakey,’ the tender story of a teenage transgender who decides to cut off his penis and turn it into hand puppet, or ‘Midnight Blue,’ the searing expose of how a bigoted police force imprisoned a sensitive young man just as he blossomed into homosexuality after slaughtering his mother and father in their bed.”

Whiteman says if the new Oscar show without any host or audience is successful, Hollywood will consider staging the award show without actually making any movies, just to see if anyone notices.