KLAVAN: Democrats Are Shocked Trump Paid Off Women! [Satire] | The Daily Wire
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KLAVAN: Democrats Are Shocked Trump Paid Off Women! [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan

The following is satirical.

Democrats are absolutely shocked that Donald Trump would pay off women to keep them from revealing his adulterous affairs. Reeling with moral disillusionment and a deep, deep sense of betrayal, many Democrats and journalists — but I repeat myself — have declared themselves to be in an absolute tizzy of righteous tizziness over the revelations.

Hillary Clinton, a former Democrat something or other, said that she personally could not believe that Trump would sink so low. Pulling her face from the bottom of a salad bowl where she’d been searching for the Chardonnay bottle she accidentally dropped earlier, Hillary told reporters, “I can’t understand why you would give money to one of these bimbos when you could simply intimidate her into silence with threats and then get the media to bury her story and call her names on every news outlet in the United States. And another thing…” Mrs. Clinton continued, and then slipped under the table, where she sang the first three bars of “Never Getting Back Together,” to the tune of the “Star Spangled Banner.”

Democrat spokesman and Chief Political Correspondent for ABC News George Stephanopoulos agreed with Hillary, saying, “I agree with Hillary. Why? What did she say?” When Chief Silencer of Women for the Clinton Campaign and Chief Anchorman for ABC News Stephanopoulos was told that Hillary had been shocked that Trump paid off women, he let out a long, high-pitched laugh and shook his head, saying, “Wow. We are so corrupt, it’s not even funny. Although we’ll never be punished for it, so it actually is kind of funny.”

Other Democrats expressed their outrage with the Trump payoffs, saying the president should have taken the honorable path of simply getting the media to undercut the reputations of the women in question while casting everything Trump did in a rosy light.

New York Times editor Blithering Prevarication the Third told reporters, “I can’t understand why Trump didn’t do that.” Then he gave the reporters an elaborate wink.

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