KLAVAN: Black Comedian Tries To Escape The Plantation!!! [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Comedian Kevin Hart has resigned from his gig hosting this year’s Academy Awards after he was attacked by a ravening mob composed of seven basement dwellers and four hundred and twelve Russian bots for tweets he sent in 1852 saying that he wouldn’t want his son to be gay.

President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences Surly Whiteman told reporters, “This was a terribly embarrassing incident. We assumed that Kevin, being a black comedian, could be counted on to have the opinions we white elites have assigned to African Americans but you might say he went off the plantation and we had to send the dogs after him to bring him back, then we had to whip him, then brand him, then sell him downriver so that other black comedians would not get any ideas about defying us in the future.”

Hart’s resignation left the Academy scrambling. As Whiteman explained in a statement released to his therapist, “We now have to answer the question: Who is homosexual enough to host an antiquated award show that nobody watches celebrating incomprehensible movies that nobody saw? After all, we have to come up with something to broadcast while normal people are out on dates watching the reboot of the last Spiderman reboot as it tries to elevate yet another not-quite-masculine actor to momentary stardom by having him get bitten on the ass by a radioactive spider.”

Hart’s resignation marked yet another victory for a faceless mob of Social Justice Warriors, who gathered afterward to celebrate at Riviera 31 where they danced the night away costumed as coyotes and pieces of garbage.

As head SJW Surly Whiteman — no relation to the Motion Picture Academy President — told reporters while vomiting blood on the men’s room floor, “It isn’t easy to be small-minded and mindless at the same time, but by golly, we did it, and now, thanks to us, another black man is out of work. What a glorious occasion.”