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KLAVAN: The Art Of The Deal With The Taliban [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan

The following is satirical.

The United States has negotiated a peace deal with the Taliban in Afghanistan. According to the terms of the deal, the United States will withdraw its forces from the country, and the Taliban will terrorize, rape, murder and oppress their fellow Afghans until everything’s back to normal.

Pentagon Spokesman Warren Incessantly said the military was opposed to the move. In a statement fired at the White House from a rocket launcher, Incessantly said, “We’ve only been at war in Afghanistan for eighteen years, and this heedless rush to withdraw before the job is done can only result in the country becoming the primitive tribal battleground it’s been since the beginning of time. If we only had just another fifty or sixty or a hundred and twenty years to fight, I believe we could transform Afghanistan into a civilized nation and then leave so it could become the primitive tribal battleground it’s been since the beginning of time.”

The New York Times, a former newspaper, also objected to the peace plan in an op-ed saying, “When President Bush sent troops into Afghanistan, we warned it would be a quagmire. When President Obama sent troops into Afghanistan, we praised his brilliant military strategy. If President Trump ends the war, we’ll be forced to find a way to argue that we should have remained there forever, and people will begin to suspect we’re just lying about stuff to support Democrats. And we wouldn’t want that.”

The leader of the Taliban Muhammed Muhammed Muhammed Muhammed supported the plan in a statement released to a cave full of skeletons and severed heads, saying, “The presence of the Americans in our country has given purpose and logic to our warfare, and we prefer to return to mindlessly slaughtering everyone in sight in the name of the Koran, because we’re psychopathic animals.”

President Trump applauded the peace deal. He said it was difficult to negotiate with a bunch of homicidal cave-dwelling troglodytes, so it was a relief to stop talking to the Democrats and chat with the Taliban instead.

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