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The following is satirical.
We all know that our nation is politically divided between conservatives and blithering snowflakes in the grip of an inchoate ideology that serves as a mask for their self-righteous emotionalism. But when someone tries to hijack our national political conversation with violence, all Americans of good will come together to blame the other side.
Police have intercepted several pipe bombs that were mailed to high profile far-left figures such as George Soros, Barack Obama and CNN. The bombs came with the return address of Democrat congresswoman and general screechy pants Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Now, of course, the police are searching for the culprit, but far be it from our elite political commentators to wait around for some working class flatfoot to root out the actual doer before they start pontificating on how their political opponents are in some way to blame.
Left-wing Professor Ludwig Von Offal, for instance, took time off from teaching his class on Advanced Progressive Ideology at Harvard, to pen an essay for the Academic Journal Intellectual Currents which read in part, “Orange man bad. Orange man evil. Orange man come and women weep and all the crops die. Racist Orange man. Racist Hitler. Man is woman. Black is white. White is bad. Anti-gay racist orange man very white and bad like Hitler.”
On the right, there have been several attempts to demonstrate that the bomber is actually a left winger. One random Twitter guy whose handle is One Random Twitter Guy, tweeted, “Such an obvious false flag. The bomber is clearly a leftist trying to seem like a right winger so David Brock can convince Jack Dorsey to shut down conservative Twitter accounts.” One Random Twitter Guy then pulled off his full face mask to reveal he actually was David Brock pretending to be a right wing Twitter guy so he could convince Jack Dorsey to shut down conservative Twitter accounts.
Meanwhile, in all the confusion, Debbie Wasserman Schultz has escaped.
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