Jeffrey Epstein Dies In Totally Non-Clinton Related Absolute Suicide [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Jeffrey Epstein has committed suicide in prison, if you get my meaning. The billionaire pimp who supplied underage girls to some of the most powerful and dangerous former presidents from Arkansas in the country was found dead in his cell, where he had been under round-the-clock suicide watch and yet still managed to smuggle in a gun and shoot himself twice in the back of the head. Video footage of the suicide was pixilated and unwatchable, but acting prison warden Sidney Blumenthal told sniggering reporters that Epstein left a suicide note, saying, “I am taking my own life with no help from anyone especially not any old friend who has been wrongly accused of having banged every 15-year-old he could lay his hands on just because he visited my private orgy island which he never did. Because I no longer wanted to be a burden to such a fine individual by causing him to live in fear of dying in prison if I told all the untrue things I know about him, I am shooting myself twice because the first bullet didn’t do the trick. Love, Jeff.”