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Jeffrey Epstein Dies In Totally Non-Clinton Related Absolute Suicide [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
US Attorney for the Southern District of New York Geoffrey Berman announces charges against Jeffery Epstein on July 8, 2019 in New York City.
Stephanie Keith/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Jeffrey Epstein has committed suicide in prison, if you get my meaning. The billionaire pimp who supplied underage girls to some of the most powerful and dangerous former presidents from Arkansas in the country was found dead in his cell, where he had been under round-the-clock suicide watch and yet still managed to smuggle in a gun and shoot himself twice in the back of the head. Video footage of the suicide was pixilated and unwatchable, but acting prison warden Sidney Blumenthal told sniggering reporters that Epstein left a suicide note, saying, “I am taking my own life with no help from anyone especially not any old friend who has been wrongly accused of having banged every 15-year-old he could lay his hands on just because he visited my private orgy island which he never did. Because I no longer wanted to be a burden to such a fine individual by causing him to live in fear of dying in prison if I told all the untrue things I know about him, I am shooting myself twice because the first bullet didn’t do the trick. Love, Jeff.”

Former President Bill Clinton had earlier denied any wrongdoing in the Epstein case, saying, “I did not have sex with all those women, depending on what the meaning of ‘not’ is. Jeffrey is just a good friend, and it will be a terrible thing when he commits suicide.” On hearing of Epstein’s death, however, Clinton did release a statement, saying, “On a beautiful, beautiful day such as this, I just want to focus on the pure miracle of being alive and able to go anywhere I please without a worry in the world.”

Prison authorities say they will investigate Epstein’s death until people forget the whole thing and then release an implausible statement on a Friday night when no one’s paying attention — and then use the phrase “conspiracy theory” a lot whenever anyone guesses the truth. Vince Foster was unavailable for comment.

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