Opinion

Iowa Democrats Hope To Bring Back The Good Old Days Of Joblessness And Suicide [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
A supporter holds a Bernie action figure outside a campaign event of Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) at Ingersoll Tap February 2, 2020 in Des Moines, Iowa. The Iowa caucuses will be held on February 3. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
Alex Wong/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

It’s time for the Iowa caucuses. All across the great Hawkeye State, corn-fed Americans will be leaving their farms and small towns in order to decide which Democrat candidate will best serve the interests of New York and Los Angeles.

These are down home Heartlanders who are tired of Donald Trump and his shenanigans and want to return to the good old days when Maw and Paw and Aunt Mathilda could sit out on the front porch and watch the factory close while smoking methamphetamines until they died.

To bring back those fine times, Iowa Democrats have assembled a choice slate of white people who have promised to return this country to solid American values like socialism and sexual perversion.

There’s Joe Biden, who could become the first candidate ever to win in Iowa while believing himself to be in Ohio. There’s Bernie Sanders who says Iowans need to taste the joys of socialism because they taste almost exactly like a pet cat roasted over a trash fire. There’s Elizabeth Warren, who traces her heritage back to the state’s Ioway tribe.

There’s also Pete Buttigieig, who is touting his record as mayor of a city of a hundred thousand people, all of whom hate him. And there’s Amy Klobuchar, who is thought to have a chance to pull off a surprise victory once voters find out whom she’s running against.

During the complex caucus process, voters will gather with their neighbors in living rooms across the state and watch on TV as less intelligent voters brave the freezing weather to gather in schools and meeting halls where they will support their favorite candidate by standing in a group, hoping no one recognizes them and realizes they’re backing such a loser.

Those Iowans who enjoy having jobs, of course, will stay home till November when they vote for Donald Trump.

Related: Michael Moore, Trump Both Blast Democratic National Committee For Latest Move ‘Rigging’ Game Against Bernie

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