The following is satirical.
Democrats are hoping the impeachment of President Trump will distract Americans from a growing scandal among their party: namely the fact that Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren are the frontrunners in the 2020 presidential primaries.
DNC Leader Fuzzy McKnownot says he himself was shocked to hear the news from the campaign trail. In a statement delivered in the stall of a gas station men’s room where he was sitting on the toilet sobbing uncontrollably, Mr. Knownot told the ghost of his late mother, “Our candidates are an old communist, a fake Indian and a guy whose eyeball explodes while he’s talking nonsense. When I said I thought anybody could beat Donald Trump, I meant any reasonably appealing, intelligent person with some actual idea about how to lead the country. I didn’t realize I had to specify that, but I guess I did.”
Responding to reports that impeachment news was obscuring his campaign, Joe Biden woke with a start and responded, “It’s great to be wherever I am and I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth into America’s problems just as soon as I find my teeth, not to mention America’s problems. Meanwhile, I just hope our teachers are touching children because you have to touch children. At least, I have to. What were we talking about?”
Communist Bernie Sanders said he couldn’t imagine why Democrats would try to hide his candidacy. He then promised to leap into his De Lorean and travel back in time to warn Trotsky to stay away from Stalinists with ice picks. Wandering around the parking lot looking for his De Lorean, Sanders said, “I know if I can just change history like Michael Fox did in Back to the Future, Communism will work great.”
Elizabeth Warren’s campaign, meanwhile, continued in a freefall caused by her tactical error of explaining to voters what she was actually planning to do: always a mistake with Democrats.