‘I Didn’t Want To Be Alive’: Former Disney Star Says Psychotic Break Left Her Suicidal
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - NOVEMBER 02: Selena Gomez attends 2022 AFI Fest - "Selena Gomez: My Mind And Me" Opening Night World Premiere at TCL Chinese Theatre on November 02, 2022 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images)
Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images

Former Disney Channel star Selena Gomez reveals a number of scary and painful moments in her upcoming AppleTV+ documentary “My Mind & Me” — including a mental breakdown during her 2016 “Revival” tour that left her feeling as though she wanted to die.

Gomez’s former assistant Theresa explained the situation in a straight-to-camera segment for the documentary, saying, “At one point she’s like, ‘I don’t want to be alive right now. I don’t want to live.’ And I’m like, ‘Wait, what?’ It was one of those moments where you look in her eyes and there’s nothing there. It was just pitch black. It’s so scary.”

“You’re like, ‘F*** this. This needs to end. We need to go home,’” Theresa continued, noting that they did cut the tour short after the “Wizards of Waverly Place” alum had already performed 55 of the scheduled dates.

The singer’s friend Raquelle added that Gomez, 30, had been hearing voices in her head that just got “louder and louder” until she couldn’t stand it any longer.

“I want to be proactive and focus on maintaining my health and happiness and have decided that the best way forward is to take some time off,” Gomez told People at the time. “As many of you know, around a year ago I revealed that I have lupus, an illness that can affect people in different ways. I’ve discovered that anxiety, panic attacks and depression can be side effects of lupus, which can present their own challenges.”

Gomez entered a mental health facility for treatment — a move that she initially pushed back against — and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. “I didn’t want to go to a mental health hospital. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to be trapped in myself in my mind anymore,” she explained. “I thought, ‘My life is over.’ I thought, ‘This is how I’m going to be forever.’”

Gomez also opened up about her ongoing struggle with lupus, an autoimmune disorder that she has been battling for years.

After her initial diagnosis in 2014, the “Only Murders In The Building” star went through chemotherapy to treat the disease — but her absence from the spotlight led some to speculate that she was actually in treatment for substance abuse.

“I wanted to so badly say, ‘You guys have no idea. I’m in chemotherapy. You’re a–holes,’” Gomez revealed. “I locked myself away until I was confident and comfortable again.”

She recounted another flare-up of the disease in 2020 that left her in so much pain that she would wake up hurting every day. “Now it just hurts. Like, in the morning when I wake up, I immediately start crying because it hurts, everything.”

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a free hotline for individuals in crisis or distress or for those looking to help someone else. It is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.

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