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Halloween Brings Out The Walking Dead And Other Democrats [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
Participants wearing make-up and zombie costumes attend the Halloween parade in Kiev. Hundreds of zombies staggered through the inner city in search of fresh brains during the Halloween Parade. Halloween is a holiday celebrated in the world on 31 October, the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallows' Day in which participants attend the Halloween costume parties, carving pumpkins into jack-o'-lanterns, lighting bonfires, apple bobbing, playing pranks, tell scary stories and watch horror films. (Photo by Pavlo Gonchar/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)
Pavlo Gonchar/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

It’s Halloween, which means over-excited children pretending to be what they’re not will be coming around your house asking you to give them your stuff, so it’s kind of like the Democratic primaries.

There’ll be monsters, witches, vampires and ghosts everywhere, so it’s kind of like the Democratic primaries. You’ll go out and spend your hard earned money on treats and then spoiled brats will come to your house and demand that you give those treats to them or they’ll pull destructive tricks on you, so it’s sort of like the Democratic primaries.

This year’s popular costumes include a walking dead man who will devour your brains, a screeching harpy whose hideous demeanor will paralyze you with fear and disgust, and a succubus — a female spirit who will drain you of your life force. Those are the Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren costumes, respectively.

There’s also a Pete Buttigieg costume where you look normal until someone gets up close and then you suddenly become terrifying. And, of course, the Joe Biden costume in which you become a ghost of your former self and everyone can see right through you.

Halloween has a long tradition based on ancient superstitions and irrational beliefs — so that is also sort of like the Democratic primaries. The word Halloween means All Hallow’s Eve and comes on the eve of All Hallow’s Day when believers honor the saints, who are dead people whose power is still felt on earth, sort of like Democrat voters, only good.

Over time, the holiday developed its present fun traditions where young people dress up in various costumes and then other young people shriek in their faces about cultural appropriation, then try to get them expelled, then go home and tell themselves what wonderful people they are all the while harboring the secret suspicion that they actually suck which, it turns out, is exactly right.

Thus Halloween has been transformed from an interesting annual event into a riot of rage, guilt and shame — sort of like the Democratic primaries.


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