News and Commentary

Government Of Canada Claims Santa Claus Has Fled The North Pole Because Of Global Warming

Bad news, kids: when Santa finishes his appointed rounds this evening, he’ll have nowhere to fly home to, according to the Government of Canada, because the North Pole has completely melted thanks to global Climate Change.

According to “Weak Signals,” a project of the Canadian government designed to “conduct regular, ongoing environmental scanning to identify weak signals of possible change” across the globe, the North Pole is melting at such a rapid rate, it’s likely to be completely gone by this evening. As such, Santa has signed an “international agreement,” they say, to move his toy-making operation to the South Pole.

Member of Parliament John Brassard called attention to the sudden change on the “Weak Signals” website on Saturday, just as Canadian families were preparing for the Christmas holiday.

The announcement involved a surprising level of thought.


Thanks to rising global temperatures, rapidly melting Arctic ice and growing human operations in the North, Santa Claus has signed an agreement with the International community to relocate his village next year to operate in an exclusive zone in the South Pole.

So What?

Santa’s relocation agreement marks the first time that the international community agrees on a common legal definition of climate change that includes refugees as corporations, as well as individuals. This deal is expected to lead to the deployment of a global climate change refugee visa system that in the near future could help to more easily relocate individuals and corporations facing the impacts of climate change.

While it is true that Arctic sea ice is at a record low, it’s not immediately clear that human activity has been a major factor in the ongoing climate change, or that any international consensus on the subject of “climate change” could make much of an impact. Winds, weather, snowfall levels, and changing sea currents are all factors that the govern the Arctic sea ice plain, and those has been in flux since the late 1970s, leading to slow changes over the course of several decades.

But the Canadian government’s environmental branch isn’t concerned with investigating slow, natural changes in the Earth’s environment, possibly spurred on in small part by human activity — they want to scare children into pestering their parents back into the Stone Age.

The good news for kids: Santa’s home in the North Pole is largely safe, at least for the next few decades, according to NASA.