Flash! Government Criminals Escape from Justice! [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Flash! In a dramatic mass breakout, several former government officials have escaped from justice. Tunneling free in the pre-dawn darkness, the dangerous crew raced into the woods, where they split up, hoping to avoid the sweeping spotlights, armed search parties and howling bloodhounds. As the law followed in hot pursuit, several clashes broke out between officers and the bad men.

Perjurer and Leaker James Comey sprayed the night with machine gun fire as he climbed atop an old gas storage facility, trying to escape the federales.

“You’ll never take me alive, you lousy G-Men,” Comey shouted. “I know how dirty the FBI is and I’ll never turn myself into them as long as I can go out with a bang.” Then, with an insane scream of “Top of the World, Ma!” Comey fired into the storage tanks and disappeared in a gigantic ball of fire.

Another renowned perjurer, James Clapper, slogged desperately through a muddy stream trying to throw the bloodhounds off his terrible scent. The snarling fugitive traded gunfire with officers before losing them, but later turned up, wounded and bleeding on the steps of a nearby cathedral, where he cried out for forgiveness before tumbling down the stairs to the sidewalk, where he lay still.

“Who was he?” asked a passerby of a nearby policeman.

“He used to be a big shot,” the copper replied.

Escaped Communist John Brennan managed to evade the law using the skills he learned in the CIA. Brennan made his way to the Sixth Avenue studios of CNN, where he’d once strutted around like he owned the world. Now he found the place apparently deserted, and was left to pound pitiably on the locked doors shouting, “Open up, ya dirty rats. Don’t you remember me? I was your pal!” There was no answer, though several anchormen were seen peering through the darkened windows, pretending they weren’t at home.

Still at large, are Andrew McCabe, Hillary Clinton and the mysterious gangleader known only as the Big O.

Updates as they come in.