END DAYS: Scientists Create Sliceable Mayonnaise, Civilization Nears End

Is spreading mayonnaise on a sandwich too exhausting? Tired of having to open the darned jar? There’s got to be a better way!

And now there is! Scientists who eschewed the boring work involved in curing cancer have come up with a new sliceable mayonnaise, meaning and end to the drudgery of making an unnecessarily fattening sandwich. You don’t even need to change out of your sweatpants.