In Emergency Meeting, Times Editor Promises Never To Tell The Truth Again [Satire]

The following is satirical.

The website Slate has published a leaked transcript of an emergency staff meeting at the New York Times, a former newspaper. Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third oversaw the gathering where a mob of journalists ran amok, demanding to know why the ex-news outlet had run a headline about Donald Trump that was honest instead of derogatory.

Wearing balaclavas and wielding clubs, the shrieking swarm of reporters threatened to do to the Times what they had done to Portland if Mr. Third did not do to Trump what he had done to the Times, namely drag it into the mud and destroy its reputation.

In an attempt to calm the slavering horde of J-school graduates, Mr. Third defended his efforts to keep the erstwhile newspaper erstwhile, and swore to continue to spend every last shred of the Times’ bygone prestige in an effort to dis-elect the man he calls UnPresident Orange Man Very Bad.

In a statement released from under a desk, Mr. Third told the rioting correspondents, “Never forget this former newspaper won two Pulitzer Prizes for covering a story of Trump-Russian collusion that didn’t even exist, while simultaneously covering up an Obama conspiracy to misuse our intelligence services to overturn the will of the people. If transforming Democrat fantasy into reality is not what this once-great institution is here for, then my name is not Blithering Prevarication the Third.”

As the rampaging scribes set trash baskets on fire and beat elderly patriots into unconsciousness, Third went on to say, “Now that the collusion story has been exposed as a hoax, we need a new strategy for covering Icky Pseudo-President -Non-Person. We are now considering a careful campaign of unfounded and increasingly hysterical charges of racism mingled with spurious accusations of mental illness that should return this once-journalistic institution to its glory days when we downplayed the Holocaust and covered up the Soviet’s forced starvation of millions.”

The meeting was then adjourned after a rousing chorus of “The Old Red Flag,” followed by a pipe bomb explosion.

Related: Trump: NYT Just Admitted What I’ve Been Saying All Along About Their Anti-Trump Agenda