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Elizabeth Warren Says She Will Fight No More Forever [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
A yard sign for Senator Elizabeth Warren lays on the ground in a yard up the street from the Senator's home as she holds a press conference to announce the end of her Presidential campaign in Cambridge, MA on March 5, 2020. (Photo by Jessica Rinaldi/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)
Jessica Rinaldi/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

As the mighty herds of buffalo have left the great plains of her ancestors, Elizabeth Warren has left her campaign to become the first fake Native American president. Warren buried her heart and announced she would fight no more forever as she walked away in a trail of tears and other Native American cliches.

Left-wing pundits and other wastes of God’s precious gift of life blamed Warren’s defeat on the fact that she was a woman. On Knucklehead Row, the op-ed section of the New York Times, a former newspaper, editor-in-chief Blithering Prevarication the Third wrote a stinging column headlined, “Now I Will Lie in Order to Promote Identity Politics.” The headline was later changed when the editors realized Mr. Third had just written that as a joke in a whimsical moment of truth-telling.

The op-ed read in part, “It’s true that at one point Democrat voters made Warren their frontrunner. But rampant sexism changed all that when she announced her unworkable and unaffordable healthcare plan and voters suddenly realized that women can’t do math or use reason. This disgusting prejudice has to stop so that a person without the ability to reason can become president. Otherwise, we’re just going to keep electing Republicans.”

Other Democrat pundits lamented that we now probably won’t get a female president in their lifetime. When it was pointed out that Nikki Haley could win the presidency in 2024, Democrats objected that Haley was not a woman but a Republican. Then they retired behind closed doors to change the rules so that Tulsi Gabbard couldn’t get into the next debate.

Asked about the matter of sexism, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said, “When people refer to me as the most powerful woman on earth, it almost makes me cry. That’s that cackling noise you hear when I am locked in the bathroom, dancing around the blood-drenched sacrifice with which I offered my soul to Satan in return for all this wonderful, wonderful power.”

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