Elizabeth Warren Delights Democrats With Hilarious New Health Plan [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Elizabeth Warren has released details of her health care plan. The plan, entitled “Pay Now, Die Later,” is estimated to cost $56 billion in added expenses, but Warren says that will be paid for with a tax on billionaires as soon as they return from their tax-free retreats in the Cayman Islands.

Warren says not a single penny of the plan will be paid for by the middle class because we’re all in this together and no one will be left behind and it’s time to make a difference and, yeah, the middle class will basically be taxed out of existence paying for the whole thing.

On the positive side, Warren says that, under her plan, instead of being ripped off by private insurance companies who take your money and then fail to pay when catastrophic illness strikes, you’ll be ripped off by the United States Government who’ll take your money and then turn every hospital into a cross between the VA and the DMV so that you wait in line so long you finally beg to die, whereupon they kill you and congratulate themselves on their fast, efficient service. After all, Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.

What’s more, the Warren plan will increase the efficiency of doctors by bathing them in magic efficiency dust which will cause them to forget they have no reason to be more efficient because the government will pay them the same thing no matter what. Plus, everyone will be healthier because of public service announcements telling them not to eat eggs until we find out eggs are good for you when there will be announcements telling you to eat eggs, but too late, since you’ve already died from too few eggs, thus saving government money and providing a much-needed tax break to the middle class who did I mention will be paying for the whole thing.

When asked what will happen to the millions of people currently employed in the insurance industry, Warren said none of them would suffer, but would instead be put painlessly to sleep like everyone else on government health care.

Related: KLAVAN: NYT Columnist Calls ‘Collapse’ Of American Christianity ‘Overstated.’ He’s Got A Point.