Doritos Announces It’s Making A ‘Female-Friendly’ Chip That Doesn’t Crunch

Doritos has announced that it’s coming out with a “lady-friendly” version of its famous corn chip that won’t crunch when you bite into it and won’t get the company’s famed neon green cheese powder all over your fingers.

The move is designed to make the product friendlier to women, who the company claims do not like to crunch their chips loudly and who refuse to lick their fingers in the presence of polite company, the New York Post reports.

“Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public,” PepsiCo global chief Indra Nooyi told media at a press conference Monday. “You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom.”

But women, Nooyi said, are more civilized, preferring not “to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers.”

Doritos and its parent company PepsiCo even say they have the research to prove it.

The new snacks, which sound like they’ll be nothing more than nacho cheese-flavored tortillas, will also pay homage to more stereotypical preferences associated with the female side of the gender binary; the no-crunch chip bags will be smaller and more compact, designed to fit in a lady’s purse so she can have Doritos with her at all times.

Nooyi suggested that they may also come out with “male-friendly” products, but did not specify if there would be any changes to the corn chips, or whether the men-only product would just be Doritos packaged in, say, a pouch marked “car parts,” smelling of sweat, firearms, and barbecue.

But, of course, the new chips were met with immediate derision from feminist groups who claim that having women-only chips feeds into the notion that birth gender determines personal characteristics.

“Companies that perpetuate these tired gender stereotypes will continue to lose out on the single biggest consumer group: women,” the Women’s Equality Party told the Post. “No doubt some male consumers will welcome the chance to have a bigger package. But the idea of shrinking products for women, no doubt for the same price, is as old as the Ad Men making these decisions.”