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Dems’ New Campaign Slogan: ‘Impeach! Because Our Candidates Suck’ [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
Senator Elizabeth Warren, a Democrat from Massachusetts and 2020 presidential candidate, stands on stage during a campaign event at Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa, U.S., on Monday, Oct. 21, 2019. Warren unveiled an $800 billion plan to fund her progressive proposal for reshaping U.S. public education and disclosed that her signature wealth tax will pay for school and child-care initiatives -- in effect transferring the cost of raising a child from birth to college to America's richest families. Photographer: Daniel Acker/ Bloomberg
Daniel Acker/ Bloomberg

The following is satirical. 

It’s time to check in on the Democratic presidential field because laughter is the best medicine.

The field seems to have narrowed itself down to a cigar store Indian, a guy whose eye keeps exploding while his teeth fall out, the stuffed remains of a Communist who unfortunately passed away of a heart attack, and of course the gay guy whom no one will vote for because we just don’t want to see his husband on the cover of Vogue under the headline, “America’s New First Lady, So To Speak.”

The cigar girl, Chief Elizabeth Warren, has now announced that she will pay for the $800 gazillion in new spending she’s proposing by taxing the wealthy until the wealthy leave the country so they not only can’t be taxed but they are no longer investing in American companies so now you’re out of work and actually need government assistance but there is none because all the wealthy people are gone so Warren will then tax you to pay you for the fact that you’re poor from being overtaxed.

The late Bernie Sanders was carried to New York and propped up in front of a crowd while Alexandria Occasional Cortex endorsed him. The late Sanders will now have to face questions as to why he was endorsed by a member of Congress who continually says ignorant, nonsensical things, like, “I endorse Bernie Sanders.”

Joe Biden has released a statement saying there was absolutely nothing wrong with his son Hunter interrupting a life of whoring and drug use to accept high-paying jobs he wasn’t qualified for but was offered because his father held public office.

After his statement, Biden’s eye exploded, his teeth fell out, and his standing in the polls rose 15 points because, hard as it is to believe, he’s the best candidate they’ve got.

On the positive side, the Democrats have come up with new campaign slogan: “Impeach Now, Because My God, Look At Our Terrible Candidates.”

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