Opinion

Dems Brilliantly Counter-Program Inspiring Republican Convention With Riots And Looting [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
Fires burn around downtown during a second night of rioting on August 24, 2020 in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Rioting as well as clashes between police and protesters began Sunday night after a police officer shot Jacob Blake 7 times in the back in front of his three children. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)
Scott Olson/Getty Images

The news media and other crime families are singing the praises of the Biden campaign for its brilliant strategy of counter-programming the Republican Convention with Democrat riots and looting.

NBC’s Chuck Todd, in an interview with the life-size cardboard cutout of himself he keeps in his bedroom for when his wife is away, said, “Republicans have debased themselves with calls for absurd patriotic unity, programs for garish prosperity and a foreign policy selfishly designed to help the United States before anyone else.”

“It’s a stroke of genius for Democrats to balance that with high-minded images of people’s businesses going up in flames in the name of social justice,” he said. “Who on earth can remain uninspired by the great cause of destroying everything anyone has ever built in order to create a utopia you thought of while playing Fortnite in your parents’ basement?”

Joe Biden’s campaign manager, Zippy McDooDad, says he invented the Democrat strategy while playing Fortnite in his parents’ basement.

In a statement released to a Berserker of the subclass Soldier with the hot body skin McDoodad dreams could one day be his, the manager said, “Everybody knows that Orange Man is bad, so we want to create a contrast with him by having our candidate hide in a cellar, talk gibberish, and tacitly support the destruction of America’s cities.”

“I’ve been tracking the news media between spawns, and they are loving it,” he added. “So I figure I can get a CNN gig for sure if Joe dies which could happen any minute. I mean, just look at him.”

Joe Biden says he’s been monitoring the Republican convention himself and slipped a note out under his cellar door, reading, “Who’s that big orange guy? He’s very scary. I hope I don’t have to talk to him to get to be president. Can I resign now?”

Biden plans to make an appearance later today to announce that there’s one stain on the cellar floorboards that really looks like Magneto from the X-Men movies.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Journalists And Other Democrats Are Outraged At Nikki Haley For Loving Her Country

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