Warning: CNN’s Brian Stelter makes an unsettling appearance in the following, as does a former newspaper.
Journalists and other Democrats are reacting with outrage to the convention speech of adorable cutie-pie and former ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley.
Haley said in her speech that this was not a racist country, sending shockwaves through George Stephanopoulos and other organized crime figures.
Among the hardest hit was CNN’s Brian Stelter who said Haley’s words caused him to take to his bed for a good cry, clutching his American Girl doll, also named Brian Stelter.
In a private conversation later released to the press, Stelter told his doll, “I am very saddy-waddy over the meanie-weanie words of Nikki-wikki. I’m so upset I can’t even get out of bed to tweet about how hard I’m crying.”
Stelter says he’s going to hold his breath until Haley either agrees to take the statement back or buys him a Barbie Dream House of his very own.
At the New York Times, a former newspaper, the outrage spread all the way from the twenty-year-old staffers to the editors who tremble at their every whim.
In a statement written in calligraphy on the finest vellum, editor-in-chief Blithering Prevarication the Third told the other diners at Le Bernadin, “It is unforgiveable for Nikki Haley to say something we higher orders don’t want people to believe. After all, this is still a country where an innocent black man with a warrant out on him for abusing women can be gunned down by the police for doing nothing but fighting with them when they tried to arrest him and then reaching into his car for a possible weapon. If that isn’t racism, then racism would just mean racism, which is patently absurd.”
Presumptive former president Joe Biden also condemned Haley’s speech, saying, “It was personally disappointing to me to hear those words coming from a woman whose hair smells so great I just want to be buried in it, possibly within the next couple of minutes because I’m really not feeling very well.”
More satire from Andrew Klavan: NY Times Says Trump’s Effective Actions Threaten To Undermine The Very Foundation Of The American Narrative