The following is satirical.
The new economic numbers are out and it now seems clear President Trump has helped create one of the greatest economies in American history. In the wake of the good news, Democrats are scrambling to find an effective way to campaign against him.
In an interview given to Chuck Todd in the bowels of Castle Democrat, which sits on the mist-shrouded crags atop Mount Incompetence, DNC Chairman Hapless Schmoe said, “We thought if you journalists kept using the word bombshell over and over, we might be able to sell the people on this cockamamie nonsense about Ukraine or wherever it is, but if they’re not stupid enough to fall for that, they’re sure enough not going to vote for one of our lousy candidates.”
The lousy candidates, meanwhile, have been retooling their campaign slogans in hopes of offering voters an alternative to peace and prosperity.
For instance, Joe Biden is testing out the new slogan: “Sure, America is doing great but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t use a doddering, corrupt old fool in the White House.”
Elizabeth Warren is now using the slogan: “The economy is amazing, but I have a plan for that.”
And Pete Buttigieg has new signs that read: “Who wants a gorgeous, graceful, kind, stylish, and elegant first lady when you could have my husband Christian instead?”
Bernie Sanders has been telling his rallies, “I happen to believe that every man, woman and child should have a free alley cat for dinner like they do in other socialist countries.”
And in his new TV ad Corey Booker says: “I’m walking around bare chested in a short leather skirt because I’m Spartacus. No, really.”
Finally, Nancy Pelosi will be running to hold her speaker seat with the slogan: “I prayed for the president and look how well he’s doing. Clearly God listens to me, so you should keep me in Congress.”
Democrats say if these slogans don’t work, they’ll just go back to shrieking lies while the media pretends to believe them, as usual.
Related: Jobs Report Presents Terrible News For Democrats As They Push Forward On Partisan Impeachment