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Democrats Have Worst Week Since Appomattox [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
   DailyWire.com
Vintage Civil War print of Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant, planning the surrender of Lee's Confederate Army, surrounded by troops on horseback. It also includes a small image of The McLean House, where the official surrender was signed.
Vintage Civil War print of Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant, planning the surrender of Lee’s Confederate Army, surrounded by troops on horseback. It also includes a small image of John Parrot/Stocktrek Images via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Well, it wasn’t a good week for the Democrats, except for those Democrats who enjoy being strung up by their heels, burned with cigarettes and then lashed with a spiked whip, which is only about six or seven of them, whose names and photographs are available on request.

But for the rest of the Democrats, it was their worst week since Appomattox.

On Monday, they had the Iowa caucuses, which turned into a clown show because of a vote-counting app developed by a Hillary Clinton aide just before he committed suicide by shooting himself in the back of the head seven times.

The app not only failed to operate properly but it then burst into cackling laughter and screamed, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too,” before flying away on a broomstick and landing at a wine bar.

Now, with 63.7 precincts reporting 56.5 percent of the votes left by 38.4 percent of voters — with the point-four voter being taken to the hospital — the results are still unclear. Some say that Pete Buttigieg is in the lead and some say it’s Bernie Sanders and some say it’s a gigantic alien centipede who feeds on human flesh, or at least it might as well be.

And that was just Monday. On Tuesday, President Donald Trump delivered a State of the Union speech touting a spectacular economy, a reinvigorated military and a new focus on American values and freedoms.

However, Democrats did manage to strike back when Nancy Pelosi tore the speech in half, burst into cackling laughter and screamed “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too,” which just seems to be something Democrat women do before they start drinking heavily, don’t ask me why.

Then came Wednesday, when Democrats’ three-year effort to impeach President Trump for some damn thing or other finally reached fruition by giving Trump a popularity boost and a complete acquittal.

Now, however, it’s Thursday, and Democrats hope to turn a new page when the flesh-eating alien centipede opens his campaign in New Hampshire.

Related: WATCH: Biden Asked About Rush Limbaugh Getting Medal Of Freedom; Mocks Him, Attacks Him, Gets Laughs, Then Silence

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