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Democrats Demand To Know Why Trump Killed Terrorist Who Was Murdering Americans [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
Iranian mourners carry a picture of Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (R) granting the Order of Zolfaghar, the highest military honour of Iran, to General Qasem Soleimani, during the latter's funeral procession in the capital Tehran on January 6, 2020. - Downtown Tehran was brought to a standstill as mourners flooded the Iranian capital to pay an emotional homage to Soleimani, the "heroic" general who spearheaded Iran's Middle East operations as commander of the Revolutionary Guards' Quds Force and was killed in a US drone strike on January 3 near Baghdad airport along with Iraqi paramilitary chief Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis and others.
ATTA KENARE/AFP via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Democrats and journalists — but I repeat myself — are furiously accusing the Trump administration of giving conflicting explanations for the killing of terrorist leader Qassem Soleimani.

Pencil-necked McCarthyite Adam Schiff went on “Meet the Press” with NBC anchorman Chuck Credulous, and actually managed to keep a straight face as he said, “Administration officials keep changing their tune. First they said they killed Soleimani because he was going to kill Americans, then they said it was because he was going to bomb American embassies, then they said it was because he was going to launch terrorist attacks against Americans. Well, which is it? After all, we can’t rest easy knowing this violent, psychopathic murderer of our countrymen may have been harmed unjustly.”

In an op-ed in The New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third wrote, “The State Department said Soleimani planned imminent attacks, but given their deplorable English pronunciation, it was impossible to tell whether they meant i-m-m-a-n-e-n-t and thus the attack was indwelling and inherent, or whether they meant it was an eminent attack being ‘high in station, rank or repute,’ or whether they actually were trying to imply that Mr. Soleimani was planning to attack us in the near future, which of course would be an entirely different spelling than the others. These are the things that should be keeping America up at night not trifling matters like whether Donald Trump avenged the deaths and saved the lives of our fellow Americans.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told a mannequin in a department store she’d been lost in since last Wednesday, “I have said many times that all roads lead back to Russia, but now it seems they actually all lead to the ladies lingerie department, and if someone doesn’t get me out of here soon, I may starve to death.”

Pelosi then wandered off to the cosmetics department where she discovered a new color of lipstick to put on her forehead.

Related: Kevin McCarthy Backs House Dems Into Corner, Will Introduce Resolution Supporting Iranian Protestors

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