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Democrat Strategists Unveil Brilliant New Plan To Investigate And Impeach The President [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
CHARLOTTE, NC - FEBRUARY 07: President Donald Trump addresses the crowd during the Opportunity Now summit at Central Piedmont Community College on February 7, 2020 in Charlotte, North Carolina. The event brought together White House and administration officials, state and local elected leaders, and private and community partners for a half-day summit addressing inmate re-entry, low-income area economic development, infrastructure, and the future of historically black colleges and universities.
Sean Rayford/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Democrat strategists working around the clock have perfected a new plan of attack against Donald Trump. Emerging from Resistance Headquarters in the storm-shrouded crags of Mount Rakestep, the Democrat geniuses have produced a 40-thousand page blueprint for their new strategy entitled, “Endless Outrage, Followed by Investigations and Impeachment.”

Speaking for the Democrat Brain Trust, Professor Skeezy Von Shmocknoodle told reporters, “This finally is the plan we’ve been waiting for. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before now. If we can just express outrage over every word the president says and enlist our media allies to transform every trivial eccentricity into the sort of shocking scandal that has absolutely nothing to do with people’s lives, then surely the public will eventually come around and give up the nation’s peace and prosperity in order to denounce the atrocities this president is committing in our imaginations. Then, when the ground is prepared, we unleash the big gun: impeachment. Once the public sees that we have actually produced a list of obscure but legal-sounding sort-of-crimes and almost-misdemeanors, they will absolutely glue themselves to their TVs, shaking their heads in shock and awe at the uplifting eloquence of Adam Schiff’s historic sanctimonious hypocrisy.”

When asked how this plan would differ from what the Democrats have been doing up till now, Professor Von Shmocknoodle replied, “Huh?”

Other Democrats, however, are said to be very excited about the new anti-Trump strategy. Sources say House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is already picking out a black dress she feels will emphasize the prayerful, sacramental seriousness Chris Matthews will absurdly say she has. She’s also trying to rememorize the Pledge of Allegiance since it’s been several months since she used it last and the words keep slipping her mind.

At CNN, elite intellectual Don Lemon told his Teddy Bear named Cuddly, “Oh man, wait till all those stupid rube Americans see this baby. With this plan and an 80-year-old Communist at the top of our ticket, I don’t see how we can lose.”

Related: Limbaugh: Roger Stone Situation Is ‘Object Lesson In Presidential Follow-Through’

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