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Commentators Say Trump’s Acquittal May Cause Even More Deaths Than Net Neutrality [Satire]

By  Andrew
GRAND RAPIDS, MI - DECEMBER 9: President-elect Donald Trump looks on during a rally at the DeltaPlex Arena, December 9, 2016 in Grand Rapids, Michigan. President-elect Donald Trump is continuing his victory tour across the country.
Drew Angerer/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

The news media is tremendously unhappy about Donald Trump’s acquittal in the Senate on charges he did something or other that was very bad for some reason.

At The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after Post editors throw it downstairs where Post reporters kick it until it stops moving, editorialists waxed eloquent on the tragic consequences that will follow Trump’s acquittal as surely as Ted Knight follows Doris Day.

Post Editorialist Nimrod Blankley wrote, “After Bill Clinton was impeached, he apologized for committing adultery, then perjury, then lying about committing adultery then perjury, then letting Bin Laden get away because he was so busy committing adultery then perjury then lying about it, but not once has Donald Trump apologized for any of those things, proving he’s a much worse person than that Democrat president we all remember so fondly because he helped create an economy almost half as good as this one.”

At The New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third, wrote, “Once a President can do whatever Trump is accused of doing with impunity, we are living in Nazi Germany and I myself am being carted away to what would be a concentration camp if it didn’t have stuffed armchairs and an excellent Cabernet Sauvignon and happen to be my apartment.”

At CNN, Anchorwoman Shapely Nudnick put on her Very Serious Face in order to deliver her Very Serious Opinion to the CNN audience, who was running to catch his connection to Wichita. Miss Nudnick said, “Who told the Democrats they should go off half-cocked and impeach Trump without even charging him with a real crime? Okay, it was me, but why did they listen? I mean, look at me. Do you think I got this job because of my brains? Don’t be absurd.”

Many commentators feel Trump’s acquittal will cause even more deaths than Global Warming which, they say, is surely going to destroy the planet in five years ago.

Related: Pelosi Demands Twitter, Facebook Pull Viral ‘Speech Ripping’ Video; Group Behind It Responds

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