The following is satirical.
It was a wonderful Veterans Day at colleges around the country. Students gathered around the Veterans Tree singing old Veterans Carols like “I Hope I Don’t Get Killed Defending the Rights of People Who Don’t Even Appreciate those Rights, Fa la la la la.”
College students were taught special Veterans Day lessons. For instance, some young people were startled to learn there were other ways to be a hero than screaming at someone on Twitter — although some of those other ways sounded kind of dangerous, so maybe it’s best to keep your heroism confined to Social Media for now.
After all, what’s the point of getting wounded over things like the First Amendment when free speech just lets you say upsetting stuff? And why on earth would you risk getting killed over freedom of religion when God is so mean to gay people? And, of course, getting shot over the right to bear arms is crazy since, once guns are banned, no one will have to get shot at all.
College students were also surprised to learn about such Veterans Day subjects as World War II, where race-obsessed, anti-Jewish, big government supporters who called themselves National Socialists somehow turned out to be the bad guys. How weird is that? Today, anyone who isn’t a race-obsessed anti-Jewish big government national socialist is worse than Hitler.
But then World War II was in the old days when Hitler wasn’t Donald Trump but instead was Hitler, and you couldn’t even call him Hitler on TV because he would kill you because he was Hitler instead of Donald Trump, which is just plain confusing.
Although sometimes, it’s true, soldiers do bad things like shooting “austere religious scholars,” mostly college students enjoyed Veterans Day because they got a holiday from gender studies class and could stay in their dorm rooms watching porn instead and wishing they could ask someone on a date without getting expelled. And isn’t that the American life our veterans fought so hard to preserve?
Related: Washington Post Changes Headline About Terrorist Leader’s Death, Calling Him An ‘Austere Religious Scholar’