CNN Proposes New Debate Format Where Candidates Sit On A Porch Rocker Struggling to Put A Sentence Together [Satire]

Democratic presidential hopefuls former Vice President Joe Biden and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders particiapate of the seventh Democratic primary debate of the 2020 presidential campaign season co-hosted by CNN and the Des Moines Register at the Drake University campus in Des Moines, Iowa on January 14, 2020. (Photo by Robyn Beck / AFP)
ROBYN BECK/AFP via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Some in the Bernie Sanders campaign are complaining that CNN and other Democrat insiders are changing the rules of the next debate to favor Joe Biden.

For instance, while past debates have featured the candidates standing on stage at podiums and fielding questions from moderators, CNN is suggesting that in the next debate candidates will sit on porches in rocking chairs quietly reminiscing about the good old days when they were Vice President to that nice black fellow whatever his name was, it’s sometimes so hard to remember.

In past debates, candidates raised their hands to attract the notice of the moderators and then addressed issues for a specific period of time. In the next debate, candidates will simply maunder incomprehensibly until it becomes unbearable to watch and then have campaign workers submit their positions in writing.

Past debates sometimes erupted into fierce exchanges where the candidates would talk over one another. To avoid that in the next debate, CNN proposes that moderators will only ask questions that can be reasonably answered by old videos of Joe Biden speaking about an issue when he was a younger man and could still put a sentence together. Those videos will then be shown to Bernie Sanders, who will be allowed to respond sometime after the election.

Along with the new rules, CNN has also announced its new list of debate moderators who will choose the questions and set the tone of the debate. These moderators will be Hunter Biden, a Milwaukee prostitute who plans to make a killing at the convention, and Chuck Todd.

In a formal letter of complaint to the DNC, Bernie Sanders said, “Clearly, the Democrat establishment is conspiring to hand this election to a mental defective who will destroy the country through incompetence rather than one who will destroy it through lunatic economic schemes and an immoral realignment of our foreign policy. That is totally unfair.”

Another candidate, Tulsi Gabbard, has also complained about the debate rules, specifically the one that says, “No Girls Allowed.”

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