The Daily Wire

Charlottesville Votes To Prove Trump 100% Correct [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan

The following is satirical.

The city of Charlottesville Virginia has voted to stop celebrating the birthday of Thomas Jefferson, who lived and died there.

The move came just two years after the city elected its first bitter pandering mayor Miss Ipander Bitterly. Miss Bitterly told reporters, “Given the racist history of the United States, it’s not enough for bitter panderers to be over-represented in the news media and on Twitter, and in university administrations and in one of the two major political parties. I will not rest until bitter pandering has become the standard for all human interactions throughout the land.”

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam applauded the move, saying Jefferson could not be forgiven for owning people the same color as he was when he was wearing blackface in pictures in his med school yearbook. In a statement delivered after a rousing tapdancing rendition of “Mammy, How I Love Ya,” Governor Northam said, “As an occasional person of color, I want to express my solidarity for all the people who are the same color I dressed up as, and who were oppressed by Democrats wearing white sheets in a serious way, not in the hilarious way me and my pals did it when I was taking those pictures.”

Charlottesville was the scene of grotesque violence two years ago when hate groups commandeered a local dispute over a statue of Robert E. Lee. At the time, Donald Trump suggested that if we started taking down statues of men like Lee, we would soon move on to attacking founding fathers like Washington and Jefferson. Time Magazine, The Huffington Post, Rolling Stone and the New York Times, a former newspaper, all attacked Trump, saying there could be no comparison between Lee and Washington and Jefferson until the Left chose to make that comparison in its ongoing attempts to destroy the country. Only then would it be okay.

As Mayor Bitterly told reporters, “We will continue to destroy reverence for all historical figures with human flaws until people are morally perfect or our country lies in ruins, whichever comes first.”

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