The following is satirical.
Michael Bloomberg has decided to use a portion of his 60-billion buckaroo fortune to build a time machine, travel into the past, and change who he was up until he started running for president.
The itty-bitty candidate has already spent somewhere between twelve and a gazillion somolians in advertisements depicting him as voters wish he were, but now feels those ads don’t quite accomplish the necessary task of changing his history of high-handed contempt for ordinary Americans and supercilious statements that treat other people as a sort of chess problem only he can solve.
Bloomberg says he has already sent an offer of forty squillion potatoes to Doc Brown from the Back to the Future Movies in hopes he’ll help invent the time traveling device and also intends to enlist the aid of Mr. Peabody and Sherman and H.G. Wells, though he will offer them less money because they are cartoon characters and dead, respectively.
Bloomberg says that by traveling back into the past he will be able to correct his mistake of telling the truth, which makes it almost impossible to get elected as a Democrat.
In a statement to the belt buckle of the person standing next to him, Bloomberg said, “When I said that stop and frisk saved lives or that loaning mortgages to people who could not pay them back contributed to the 2008 financial crisis, those statements were one hundred percent accurate and therefore approximately ninety-five percent more accurate than a statement by a Democrat candidate is allowed to be. When I go back in time, I will change those statements to statements that are only five percent accurate, which will then allow me to apologize for that five percent, which Democrat voters apparently like.”
Bloomberg says he will also change that time he said that a 95-year-old with cancer should be left to die because it would save money. This time, he will say a 95-year-old with cancer should be left to die unless he’s named Michael Bloomberg.