The following is satirical.
Joe Biden has won the primary in South Carolina and now he’s saying it’s on to South Carolina.
Biden won when black voters rejected Bernie Sanders and his socialism. As one black voter told an exit pollster, “The way I understand Bernie’s plan is: I do the work. Then a white man in a big white house takes my money and spends it on what he wants to spend it on. And then I go back to work. And then he takes my money again. That reminds me of something in black history. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it wasn’t good.”
In a moving victory speech to a schoolyard full of little girls who kept backing away until they hit the far fence, Biden said, “You know, a lot of people said a frog couldn’t become an ashtray, but I just kept saying ‘Where am I?’ and pushed on until a man or even a truck isn’t the same thing as a guy I used to know named CornPop or maybe it was PopCorn. Or possibly Jujubes. I love those. Except the black ones. You gotta stick those under the seat. Unlike black voters, who you just have to lie to a lot. Why, I remember the time I got arrested trying to fight apartheid with Nelson Mandela. His hair smelled as good as a little girl’s.”
The other Democrat candidates said they were not discouraged by Biden winning the primary. Bernie Sanders, in a speech to the Castro Literacy League and Execution Squad, said, “I happen to believe that I have presented the best and quickest way to turn this country into a ravaged wasteland full of poverty and despair, and I don’t think the voters will settle for second best.”
Elizabeth Warren said she hoped her fellow socialists actually would settle for second best. And Pete Buttigieg dropped out, saying he just realized he’s been reading the Bible upside down and could be in big trouble.
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