Biden Team Hopes to Reverse Trump’s Policies and Return America to Endless Wars, Stagnation and Despair [Satire]

 President-elect Joe Biden listens as Secretary of State nominee Antony Blinken speaks at an event to introduce key foreign policy and national security nominees and appointments at the Queen Theatre on November 24, 2020 in Wilmington, Delaware. As President-elect Biden waits to receive official national security briefings, he is announcing the names of top members of his national security team to the public. Calls continue for President Trump to concede the election as the transition proceeds. (Photo by Mark Makela/Getty Images)
Mark Makela/Getty Images

As Joe Biden begins to assemble his cabinet, the incoming administration’s approach is becoming clearer.

Incoming Secretary of State Tony Blinken, in a statement presented in choral style with fifteen career diplomats who looked exactly like himself, outlined some of their joint ideas.

The group, which calls itself The Blinkens, sang, “When the Obama administration left office, the Middle East was in flames, and China was taking American jobs while our citizens died of despair. Trump and his cronies ruined all that hard work and are leaving behind them a chaos of peace deals and a Chinese Communist Party with a big scary frown on its giant Communist face.

“Meanwhile, the stock market is soaring to record heights threatening an era of reckless prosperity after Trump’s vaccines cure Wuflu. We have got to bring our nation back to the sort of multilateral, cooperative, lead-from-behind diplomacy that will keep the Communists happy while Americans return to their proper state of suicidal anguish amidst endless foreign wars.

“We very much hope to hit the ground running from day one and remain on the ground with our faces buried in blood and sand for the entire four years we’re in office.”

Biden’s new energy czar, John Kerry the Twelfth, says he too wants to get right to work, shaving a hundredth of a degree off the average global temperature by returning the United States to the Stone Age.

Kerry spoke with his wife Lovey in a phone call to Martha’s Vineyard, where Kerry owns a 12-million-dollar ocean front mansion that would be consumed by rising water levels within the year if even a single thing he believed were true.

Kerry told Lovey he plans to enter immediate negotiations with the clouds to have them cover the sun more often. He says the president of Iran has offered to help with those talks for a mere $200 billion in small unmarked bills to be dropped into Iran on a pallet in the dead of night.

What could possibly go wrong?

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Obama Writes Memoir: ‘America — It’s Just Not Good Enough for Me.’

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