The following is satirical.
Congress is back in session and ready to take on the number one crisis facing America, namely that Congress is back in session. The lawmakers return to Washington facing a full agenda, including financing the government so they can get money to pay for Congress so they can finance the government so they can get money to pay for Congress so they can finance the government.
D.C. residents welcomed the legislature back by running away from the capitol building in a panicked mob, clutching their wallets and screaming as if Godzilla was chasing them. When they found out Godzilla actually was chasing them, they calmed down and said, “That’s a relief. We thought it was Congress.”
On the House side, Democrat Jerry Nadler said he had enjoyed a lazy summer just wasting time and spending money by way of practicing for his return to government work. Nadler’s list of things to do includes threatening to impeach President Trump, threatening to investigate President Trump, threatening to investigate impeaching President Trump and subpoenaing the last few Americans he hasn’t interrogated yet including the scary clown from the Stephen King movie and the guy who runs the Dairy Queen in Aspinwall, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Pittsburgh.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she was happy to come back from wherever she’d been to wherever she was now and was looking forward to churning out useless anti-Trump bills that would never become law until she had completely wasted the rapidly dwindling time remaining to her life.
In the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell listed his priorities as getting more judges confirmed, talking very slowly with a dead pan expression, and then getting more judges confirmed and then talking slowly some more. McConnell was asked yesterday why he hadn’t mentioned gun control in his agenda. He should be done with his answer sometime this afternoon.
Meanwhile, though the parties remain sharply divided, Congress hopes to bring the nation together on the issue of giving them more money for their important work of getting more money.